More Less Blogging

I've just really gone downhill in my blogging consistency in the past two months, huh?  I suppose because I feel like I have nothing really blog-worthy to write about.  I've been home most of April, just... doing home things.  I cook, do laundry, feed the cats, clean the dishes.  I've read a few books, watched some t.v., saw Jurassic Park in 3D which was really fun.  I spend a lot of time at the library. I've seen my friend Brittany a few times, and last weekend we went for drinks.  A few weeks ago I got to see my cousin, Josh, in Staunton.  He's doing well.  I'm looking into potential jobs, figuring out what I can apply for, giving up on hearing from this last school. :) See? Pretty basic stuff.

I've been feeling rather down, too, which makes me blog less.  I'm not always rainbows and unicorns on this blog, but I don't put my whole life on here, either.  When I'm feeling down I don't necessarily feel like discussing it with the internet.  But, I'm feeling down.  Just a light blue, sometimes ranging to royal blue.  Never navy.  I feel a bit useless, unproductive.  I feel like I've been given the gift of time and I'm wasting it.  I'm trying to write creatively and nothing comes out.  I'm trying to (re)learn French and I feel like a failure.  I can read it, mostly, but listening comprehension leaves much to be desired.  I haven't painted in ages.  I still haven't made a doll.  Even reading feels forced-- like I'm doing it to meet a quota rather than to think, to learn, to be inspired.  The exception, perhaps, was A Moveable Feast by Hemingway.  Hemingway is my favorite author.  I personally love his writing style.  I love his pictures of Paris in the novel/memoir mentioned above.  Reading Hemingway inspires me.  It makes me want to write again.  Which becomes a vicious circle.

If I could even just accept that I have this time and that using it to enjoy myself is actually quite alright, instead of idle and wasteful, then maybe I'd feel better.  But instead I feel like I must pack everyday to the gills, read every book I've ever wanted to, learn/practice a million new skills-- piano, dance, French, Spanish, Latin, painting, cross-stitching-- be constantly active active active, and I end up failing.  There's no way to win that.  The amount that I want to do-- then convince myself I need to do-- leaves me as paralyzed to accomplish things as when I was overbooked in graduate school.

I've also, in the past couple of days, started to write in a real, paper journal again.  I used to-- for years-- then stopped.  I reread some of my old journals the other day and I had written of things that I, now, had totally forgotten.  Inside jokes that came rushing back, close friends I hardly remember.  It makes me wonder what I have forgotten about the past six years that I will never recover.  This blog helps from 2009 on, but it's not a handwritten, personal journal. 

Today I went to Aroma's for a few hours, and sat with a notebook and a coffee.  I wrote next to nothing.  But then I walked up to the Governor's Palace green and sat on the grass and noticed things.  The smell of the grass.  How cool it felt.  Little flowers growing in the field, the kind that I used to pick and make chains out of when I was little.  I don't remember the last time I just sat outside.  I didn't check my phone for awhile, no e-mail, no twitter, no texting.  I think I need more of that in my life.  My attention span has gotten too short, my observation skills weak.  I think I should learn about plants and grow a garden.  I think getting my hands in the earth would help.  Then maybe I'll go fishing and I'll leave my cell phone behind.  I don't think there's anything better than that for teaching patience and learning to sit comfortably with oneself, or, in my case, for relearning it. 

Picture Snaffoo

The other day I decided to change my Facebook profile picture.  I knew I wanted to change it to a picture from last October, when Zan and I were in Los Angeles.  I clicked on the "Upload Photo" button, and it took me to my photo files.  I looked through my files, but in the "October 2012" file there were no Los Angeles photos.  I looked in the November file, nothing.  I looked in the September file, and saw a picture of Felix all splayed out on muscle relaxers from when he initially blocked.  The thumbnail looked funny, so, unthinkingly, I clicked to make it larger.  My screen immediately reverted to my Facebook page: uploading photo.  I had forgotten I was uploading a profile picture!  So, for all of about five seconds, I had the photo below as the online representation of me.

What do you think, is it a keeper? ;)

A Vlog For You!

Here it is, guys!  My first vlog!  Hope you enjoy! I embedded it here, but I think the photo quality is better if you click on the link to YouTube below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUL3UGlfHvc

Bonfire

Last night we had a bonfire at Zan's house.  Two Christmas trees from years past, broken tree limbs, sticks, spruce branches-- all up in smoke and fire.  Red-black licks of flame billowed out into the sky, borne up by the wind, which blew much harder than we had originally thought.  Soon, the flames died down into smoldering coals, only little patches still burning brightly.  We roasted hot-dogs and made s'mores.  We felt joyous over purging the old, making way for the new.  And when night came we looked up at all of the bright, bright stars, using-- of all things-- our iPhone apps to identify Sirius the dog star, Jupiter, Polaris, and even Leo-- my zodiac sign!-- visible in the sky.

I want to think of this as I would a new year.
Gone with the old, evaporated in flame, and my stars on the ascendent. 


(Photo by Zan; please do not use without credit)

Musicals and Philly

I'm in Philly!  And since Kay is working today, I'm spending the day watching television and munching on Easter candy.  Nothing better than chocolate malt balls and Starburst jellybeans.  What am I watching?  The Music Man.  Not the classic, but the Broderick/Chenoweth version.  I've never seen The Music Man before-- in any form, actually-- and you know what it's done?  It's made me want to be in a musical again.  I haven't been in a musical since high school.  But all of a sudden, I want to learn songs and dances (don't laugh) and wear pretty costumes.  I really miss being in performances.  I miss cast parties.  I miss rehearsals.  I miss being backstage and I miss learning lines and all of it.  I really need to get involved with community theater again or something.

Anyway, Philly has been so much fun so far.  Kay and I visited the Liberty Bell and the crazy exhibit that preceeds the Bell itself.  We also watched the terrible videos in the Visitor's Center, and laughed quite a bit.  I mean, seriously, the ghosts of the Founding Fathers emerging from the mist?  Because they wanted to see us in the future, but instead of looking at the future, they immediately decide to go back in time to relive 1774-1789-- huh?!  Then they couldn't even get the history right.  Though, I guess it's about myth-making instead of the actual history.  Ah, the problems that plague people who have actually taken a graduate level American Revolution historiography course.

Plus, I've gotten to see a friend from my study abroad program!  I hadn't seen him in five years, and we got drinks Monday night and caught up on each others lives.  Then last night, Kay and I got sushi with our college friend Andrew!  Such good sushi and an overall great evening.

Ok, good chat.  Back to musical theater!  Maybe 1776 next, given my current location.