My heart stood up and sang

(Alternate Title: Out Like A Lamb)

Outside today is blue and clear and sunny. I want to spend all day outside, reveling in the air, breathing in the day. March is ending at long, long last and the world seems to know it. I am not sure if April can be crueller than March; at least it promises sunny days and an end to classes, if nothing else. One thing I have learned, though, is that life will continue to be unpredictable. Another thing I have learned is that I am tenacious. In A Farewell to Arms Hemingway wrote, "The world breaks us all. Afterward, some are stronger at the broken places." I have felt on the edge of a precipice this month, constantly teetering, scared of falling, and the cold March winds haven't helped. But, I realized that over the past year-- the past years-- I have grown resolute within myself. All the places I have been broken, I have grown stronger. I know who I am, what I want, what I am capable of doing. I'm not stone, though, and the soft rains and warm sun of April are a welcome change from the tumultuous, terrified, battered feelings of March.

I feel as if something is calming, and what was will now be peaceful.

Here, have some music! I think these music videos are beautiful.

Sphinx The Wasp-Killer

For about three days, a wasp hid himself in my study, appearing sometimes flying near my lamp, at other times climbing on my desk chair. I lived in fear. Then yesterday morning, I walked into my study to find that Sphinx, oh great one, had defeated the wasp. I imagine it must have been an epic battle between cat and insect-- each pulling their best moves to intimidate the other-- ending with the wasp sneaking up behind Sphinx who then, quick as lightening, raised his paw and smashed it to a cold death on the floor. I guess he then carried it next to his food bowl to show me in the morning. I could not be prouder of my cat, ridding my study of the tyrannical wasp and his reign of terror.

Otherwise, life continues on in a good direction. I wrote a five-page paper yesterday and read lots of The Blood of Guatemala at the apartment. Have to do a ton more stuff for Race Relations and Material Culture today, but oh well.

On Thursday I spent an hour and a half waiting in line at Chipotle with Mike and Zan in order to get a free burrito. Let me tell you, it was totally worth it. They even put on guacamole for free. Omg, I love guacamole so much. Seriously. In Bath, Shea used to make a huge bowl of it at a time so we almost never went without it in our flat. Yum. Then on Saturday, we had the graduate student open house where we welcomed prospective grads. They all seemed very nice and enthusiastic, but my favorite part of the day was simply catching up with some of my friends who I haven't seen much of this semester.

In other news, I got a pair of green high-top converse, because in an episode of Torchwood Gwen wears a pair. Not gonna lie, I feel a little badass wearing them, as if fighting the supernatural in Cardiff is my life mission. Continuing the British theme, yesterday Zan and I spent thirty minutes sitting in my parked car listening to BBC Radio 1 because Billie Piper was doing the BBC Radio 1 Road Trip, in which she discussed her new show, Secret Diary of a Call Girl, and reminisced about her time on Doctor Who, and played us three of her favorite songs. The first choice was "I Gave You All" by Mumford and Sons. I'm beginning to really like Billie Piper-- at least she has good taste in music.

I have also recently rediscovered my love of plum wine. :)

Despite the rain today, life feels (mostly) bright.

A spark of the divine

I was really no good at physics. Newton went beyond me, although Einstein I understood (I'll put that down to being related to him by marriage). And even though I had to work so hard in that class to try to figure anything out, it fascinated me. I loved the ideas and the concepts.

We learned that we are all made of stardust. That something in my physical make-up, something in everyone's physical make-up, is the same as something in the sun. The moth has something in it that is made of fire.

The poetry of the concept makes it worthwhile. Humanity, metaphorically and sometimes literally, aspires towards the stars and yet, we are made of stars. It's really quite hopeful, almost vindicating us for pursuing our passions even though we have such a slim chance of success in so many of our endeavors.

I've been thinking a lot about conceptualizations of earth and time in the past week. Last night Zan and I watched the pilot of DS9, and part of it takes place within a wormhole where time is non-linear. From my meager physics knowledge, I know that time actually is non-linear, but instead is an illusion that shapes our reality. What happens now happened long ago and will happen again and will never stop happening, because time doesn't work the way it seems to work. Dimensions, the fluidity, of space, time, and movement... we live in an illusory world, but we live it as reality.

Additionally, I've spent the past week reading about Renaissance occult practices, John Dee, Cornelius Agrippa, astronomy/astrology, alchemy, theurgy, Hermeticism, and Cabala, and how (in one interpretation) the end goal of it all was, in a sense, the extreme logical end of humanism. Humanism, which sought to raise up man on a civic level, to glorify in a new individualism (to put it extremely succinctly), became in occult practices a means by which humanity learned everything to the outer limits of reason. No knowledge could be forbidden. The occult sought to perfect man in God's image, to commune with angels. John Dee believed that within every human dwelt a spark of the divine, and in a prelapsarian world we had godlike powers, perfect knowledge, and through his practices he believed that humankind had a chance to unite with the Creator on this earth, in this life. Though within this realm existed heretical beliefs and an ever-present consciousness of black magic (goetia), for most practitioners, the thirst for knowledge, not magic, drove them to learn about natural powers.

Whether or not you agree that their practices truly led them to experience things outside of this world, whether or not you imagine what life might lie in other dimensions or other galaxies, whether or not you believe magic exists, you must respect humanity's desire to understand itself and the world, a quest without limits.

We are all made of stardust; we all aspire towards the secrets of the Heavens and Hell.

Let me not outlive my own capacity to love

This past Friday I drove up to NoVA to see Kay's new show, Metamorphoses, by Mary Zimmerman. The play was superb. Seriously, I couldn't believe how well-acted, well-directed, and how beautifully staged it was. Kay was gorgeous and wonderful, as I knew she would be, but overall the play is an ensemble piece, and I thought the interactions between cast members and the fact that they never lost sight of the story they were telling really made the evening. Losing sight of the story would be easy, since they have a large pool to play in, but the water never became the focus. Instead, the myths, the human condition, and overall, the way love works in our lives remained central.

At the end of the play, a husband and wife are given a choice of any favor the gods can grant them. They ask to die at the same moment, so as not to ever stop loving, so as to die loving, and so never to die.

It made me think a lot about love, and how lucky I am to have been surrounded by it during my life. The past weekend really reinforced it, as I had dinner before the show with Kay, Brian, and Mike J., and realized how incredibly dear these three people are to me. We can make fun of each other and tell off-color jokes and underneath it all there is such deep love and perfect comfort. I have the love of my parents, too, who always listen to me, who give me good advice, and who will never, ever forsake me. I have the best cousin the world, Josh, who is one of my closest friends. I have Kacey, and Megan A., and Shea, so many people here in Williamsburg who I love and who love me. I have friends in Richmond, and friends from Missouri, and friends who now live across the globe. Although we are so far apart and so rarely see each other, I don't know what I would do without their friendship and love.

Yesterday I got to see where Zan lives. It was absolutely beautiful and the day was perfect. We played with sheep and dogs and tossed a coin about where to eat for lunch which ended up not mattering at all and caravaned to Williamsburg with the windows down and music playing. I got to have dinner with Kacey, who I have really missed. It's been a busy semester and we haven't seen nearly enough of each other. I played Star Trek Scene-It with Zan, Mike, and Cole and somehow managed to win even though I only answered one question correctly (hell, yes, Genesis Cave). :)

And the sun is out. I am wearing my yellow dress that I bought in Bath to herald the spring, and my new sky-blue t-strap flats. I had a picnic lunch on the Sunken Gardens today and texted Shea how much I wanted an ice lolly like they sold in the park across from Nunes. I ate fresh strawberries, so sweet they don't even need to be sugared.

Isn't this all love, in some sense? Sometimes, I feel so down and afraid and I feel as if the world is a dark grey, but then I begin to think of these things. God-willing, I shall never forget how pervasive love is in a single life, nor how important, and I shall never stop loving, and so never die.

EDIT: And then I got chocolate-covered strawberries! And Zan and I went for a walk in CW! And Journey "Don't Stop Believin'" is 28 on Britain's top 30! Could life get any better?

Feel It Turn

The world seems to be righting itself, and I couldn't be happier. Things have been looking up since Monday. First of all, the weather has been gorgeous and in the high 60s, which always improves my mood. Even when it was slightly rainy on Monday it was ok, because it was a warm spring rain so I went outside barefoot and danced around and loved everything about life for ten minutes. And the evening just kept getting better as I got to hang out with Mike and Zan. Monday's have become Star Wars night at the apartment, so we watched Revenge of the Sith and can now finally get to the good movies starting this coming Monday. However, Annie made an excellent chip dip, and we had Trader Joe's Indian food, so I was happy. Then, I had to write a paragraph about planting with a hoe (for class) and Mike wrote a hilarious paragraph playing on the use of the word "hoe," and at the the end of the evening Mike drove me home. :)

Then Tuesday was just amazing all around! In the afternoon, I got to plant tobacco with my Material Culture class. It was very different than I expected-- we were seeding tobacco, and the seeds are very small, so we had to mix it in with an agent (ash) and then lightly sprinkle it over the seed bed, then press it down with our feet. It was fun to feel the earth and to feel like I was good for something other than reading. After that, we hoed. It was hard work, but I could smell spring in the ground. Sometimes I really think I'm far more suited to occupational work than academic work, at least eighteenth-century style. I never feel happier than after a good day in the colonial kitchens or after being outside gardening. Overall, the class left me feeling content with life.

THEN, I got to go see the ASC touring company's performance of The Knight of the Burning Pestle with Zan and Mike. We sat on the stage, and though at first I was hesitant to do so, I loved it. We got to have a spontaneous dance party with the actors pre-show, and I waltzed (box-stepped?) with the guy playing Luce's dad/Rafe's Squire. The show itself was fantastic-- I had neither seen nor read it (though I imagine reading it would be quite difficult). I felt as if I had a new appreciation for the theatrical style, given all of my readings for my independent study. It was Andrew Gurr come to life, hats and all :). Caroline and Rachel were at the show, too, and I hadn't seen either of them in ages, so it was nice to catch up. And AFTER the show I got to meet Rick Blunt for the first time, a man about whom I've heard so much. We all went back to the apartment, had a few beers, pizzas, talked, laughed, and watched an episode of the British The Office.

Yesterday was slightly less red-letter, as I had Comparative Race Relations, a headache, and to prepare for my colloquium (there was some Torchwood and Sal's, though, which helped) but today was again great! I had my colloquium this morning and passed with flying colors! I don't have to really think about my thesis again until this summer! Hooray! And at work I actually had work to do, which makes the time go so much faster, and then I had my independent study, which I love! Plus, I found an excellent craft website: http://www.cutoutandkeep.net

I think Mike and I are going to try to make some Green Tea Cupcakes from a recipe on that site. And tomorrow I get to go home, see Kay's show, hang out with Mike J., and continue a great week!

Something, Something

This post has no plan. It just feels like Spring out today. I spent the morning wandering the grounds of the Governor's Palace listening to The Secret Garden. I feel lost today. Something isn't right and I don't know how to fix it and I don't even know if it's fixable. Shea came up to Williamsburg and we got lunch and then ice cream and we ate it outside. We went to Target and I got a cute little headband from the dollar section with white flowers on it. Then we talked about book series we like and she gave me ideas of books I should read once I have a chance.

Seven more weeks of school. My colloquium will soon be scheduled for Thursday, if a room is open, and then I can forget about my thesis until summer. I have no motivation to do anything at all. Seven weeks, I think. I should put forth my best effort. Seven weeks, I think. Who even cares at this point, especially with Spring in the air and life to be lived? I've been in school since I was six years old, and now I only have seven weeks left and I just want to give up in favor of sunshine, and stupid books read for fun, and frivolities. It's been a very serious past few weeks and I just want some levity.

Fun with Manuscripts (and Folios)!

Yesterday I got to spend the afternoon with the wonderful, fabulous, amazing Carter Hailey at the equally outstanding Folger Shakespeare Library! With Carter's generous help and a letter of recommendation from my adviser, Prof. Whittenburg, I now have a reader card and reader privileges at the Folger through the beginning of July. I AM SO EXCITED!!! I metro-ed into D.C. yesterday for my first Folger reading day, and can I just say that I love the eighteenth-century even more now? Was that even possible???

First, I got there, filled out a little form, got my reader card, got a short orientation from the librarian, then Carter showed me where the computers were to use Hamnet to look up materials. Mostly I needed manuscripts, and for those there are special cards you fill out, and then the librarian sends someone to the vaults to get the items you requested. I knew they had lots of Garrick playbills, but I actually haven't even looked at those yet-- I had no idea how many Garrick manuscripts they had! His promptbook of Hamlet is restricted, so I may have to content myself with the microfilm of that, but they had an entire volume called David Garrick: Verses, Epilogues, and Prologues. When the librarian handed it to me I was certain it was a print book and was a little confused, but when I opened it, it turned out to be a scrapbook. Tons of handwritten pages were pasted in-- and they were funny and touching and amazing! It just gives one such a sense of closeness to touch a page that Garrick himself touched. To see his signature, to almost know what he was thinking as he scratches through a phrase and changes his wording. There was Garrick's handwritten prologue to Harlequin Invasion and some songs, one about a fish, randomly enough, and poems to him and by him. Some of it was difficult to decipher, as anyone who's ever studied eighteenth-century handwriting knows, (really, I need a paleography class), but still so much fun. I even got to read an entirely handwritten copy of The Jubilee!!!

Perhaps some of my favorite bits were the two poems to Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire. I do love her so. And apparently, Garrick was fond of her, also. Which makes him go up in my esteem :). Oh, there were some written gems! My favorite new insult is "You Jack-Bite Hussey!" ::Eighteenth century love::

I was reading next to Carter, who was working with a first folio of Shakespeare's works. 'Tis a very, very old book. He let me turn a few pages, just so I could say I touched a first folio! His work focuses more on the paper of the book than on the content, and honestly it looks very complicated but very interesting. He is a patient man, flipping through every piece. He taught me how to look at the way the book was bound, and showed me some of the watermarks in the paper.

After the Folger closed, we went to the Hawk and Dove for a drink, and got to catch up a bit. We talked about our projects, and our future plans, and generally had a great time. Then, once I got home, Kay and Brian came over with cheesecake and tiramisu and we watched another episode of The Tudors!

Overall, the best day of Spring Break so far. And perhaps, the most exciting day of thesising!

Paradoxes

(Though dated on Monday, this post was actually uploaded on Wednesday, March 10th, 2010)

You know what? Sometimes life can suck, and sometimes it can be really wonderful, and sometimes these things can happen all at the same time. Sometimes you want to bury yourself under the sheets and sometimes you want to dance with joy simultaneously. Sometimes you want to laugh and cry at the same moment for very different reasons and sometimes these play out in moments of tender and harsh beauty.

I'm home now. I got to see Josh yesterday and on Sunday, which was great, and I got to see Kay and Brian, too. We had this fantastic home-made-tasting ice cream from a little place within walking distance from her house. I had wonderful, bright conversations with all three of them. I had an x-ray for my tooth, and an appointment to check my eyes. I wrote a paper about late Elizabethan London as illumined by Stanley Wells, Constance Brown Kuriyama, and James Shapiro. I've done a few loads of laundry. I went shopping with my mom. I watched a documentary about Eddie Izzard. I've slept and slept and it's been lovely.

What I haven't done much of is reading, even though I promised myself I would... oops. I brought all of my books home and put them next to my bed, but so far I've all but neglected them. I've read 1.1 of Ben Jonson's The Alchemist. But today I might get to go into the Folger, or if not today I might get to come back in a few weekends to go to the Folger!

A few days ago, I looked through my bookshelves and my eyes alighted on In Summer by Jeremy Jackson. I don't know if I've written about this book before, but I bought it on sale at Barnes and Noble just before my freshman year of college. The story is about a boy named Leo Peery and the summer he has just after graduating from high school. It's a terrible summer. But also a beautiful summer. He lives in the Midwest, and the books feels like the Midwest. It feels like Jefferson City, sitting by the pool, going to the County Fair, driving around late at night in the muggy heat. It feels like deep, life-altering sadness and awe-inspiring love-- not just romantic. The story is simple, deceptively so. He inadvertently hurts people, people hurt him, millions of things go wrong, and in their going wrong, one thing goes perfectly.

My favorite image from the book is peaches. E.B takes a ripe peach, puts it in boiling water, then ice water, then covers it in lemon juice and brown sugar and bakes it. I do that. I use mine as crepe filling. It tastes and smells like summer.

I don't think I realized until just recently how fleshed out the characters are, how strong they are, and how poignantly written. It's a wonderfully jubuliant and frighteningly sad book. For all of its complexities, hurts, and mishaps, something in it rings true and sublime.

Somehow, it's happy.

Remember, spring swaps snow for leaves

So, I'm at the Reves Center, but as soon as I'm done here, it's Spring Break! I'm not doing anything particularly exciting-- just going back home for a few days-- but I cannot even explain how necessary getting out of Williamsburg and away from life is at the moment. Lately life has been miserable in almost all (but not entirely all) respects, and between personal things and having four papers due in the midst of personal things I've been sleeping MAYBE six hours a night (oh, hello insomnia!) and living almost solely off of saltine crackers and peanut butter. Not very healthy. Mike said it looks like I've lost weight, and I don't think he meant that in a positive way.

One of the few good things this whole week has been a wonderful, wonderful conversation with my dad. We don't really talk that often, but I called him on Tuesday because he always reminds me who I am, where I come from, and gives me strength. And we had the best conversation I can remember having with him in a really long time. After I hung up the phone I just wanted to thank God for letting me have a father who really loves me.

Anyways, I'm going home. I'm going to sleep for days, get massive amounts of reading done, lose myself in studying, hopefully go to the Folger, and, most importantly, surround myself with people who love me. I cannot wait to see Kay-- we have big plans to watch The Tudors and maybe have an Anne of Green Gables night (thank you to my friend Laura for that suggestion!). I'm probably going to go shopping with my mom, and possibly figure out a way to buy plane tickets to Disney for the weekend after Spring Break.

Last night, I realized that Disney World is my "home." I was asked, in regards to where I considered home, where I felt safe and as if nothing in the world could get me. My first thought was "Anywhere with Emily Van Zandt," followed by "Anywhere with Kay," then I thought-- Disney World! Specifically, the Beach Club/Boardwalk area and the back entrance way of Epcot. It sounds silly, I know, but that area has been "home" since middle school. For a period of four years I lived in that area for about four weeks a year-- we didn't go more than three months without a trip to Disney World the entire time between 7th-11th grade. I feel safe in Disney, happy in Disney, relaxed, and always I'm with people I love. Sometimes it's my mom and dad, sometimes my best friends. Always, I'm happy.

When I went to England, we had Spring Break at the end of March, and when I came home from Germany little lambs and calves were roaming in the fields that my train to Oxford passed. It was an extremely tangible sign of Spring coming. Yesterday in Williamsburg I could stand in the sun without a winter coat. I hope it means Spring is coming. I need warmth and sunlight.

One final note: in my independent study yesterday I was trying to explain "Hark, A Vagrant" to my professor and he brought up Blackadder! It was great! :)

In Like a Lion

Welcome to March!

I have finished my thesis chunk and sent it out to my committee, and today I need to write a precis, read a book, read two articles, and write a two-page paper. I could have slightly less work, but yesterday I went to see mainstage's Eurydice and Shakespeare in the Dark's Goodnight, Desdemona, Good Morning, Juliet. I did manage to get a forty-five page article on pipe tomahawks read, however, and the introduction to Marlowe: A Renaissance Life. I just have to get through to Thursday, and then I am heading home for Spring Break! Hopefully I will hear back from the Folger this week so that I can go in and do research while I'm in the DC area.

This promises to be an interesting month, and I hope it goes out much softer than it comes in. Although, today is sunny, so that's a good sign!

(Happy Birthday, Mike!)