Happiness is Jumbo Lump Crabcakes

What makes life better after reading about the atrocities committed in Rwanda, Uganda, Sierra Leone, Guinea, and Ghana during the 1990s? What puts a smile on my face after hours of determining whether Maryland's Catholic elite were acting from interest or ideology during the lead-up to the American Revolution?

My boyfriend, arriving at my door in a suit with reservations at an amazing seafood restaurant. I was dressed in leggings, a hoodie, and my Converse, so obviously that had to change-- into my Venetian dress with my Viennese Waltz shoes (the red tapestry ones). I felt beautiful and happy. And I got to try escargot. AND I got Jumbo Lump Crab Cakes. *happy*

The rest of the weekend has passed in a blur of reading... so much reading... interspersed on Saturday with an I.T. show and a few episodes of "How I Met Your Mother." I finally finished everything reading-wise for Hoffman's class this week, though! Now to write the 10-page paper...

A Week's Worth of Fun and Stress

It's been awhile since I've updated, and a great many things have happened, mostly of the good variety. I'm feeling less isolated in the program finally, as people have decided that going out for drinks or to dinner is a fantastic idea that will make everyone so much happier! Last Thursday night a group of us went to the Leafe for drinks. Mostly Americanists showed up, but a few CMA-ers arrived, which was nice. The only awkward bit was that our waiter was a guy that I went on a date with freshman year before realizing what a sketchy bastard he was... I'm pretty sure he recognized me. But oh, well, great way to break the ice with the grad students! After drinks a few of us went out to another bar with karaoke-- always a good time.

Friday night was another night of friends and fun, only this time with I.T. Stephen and I had a few I.T.-ers over for a movie night and got to meet one of the two newbies that we didn't already know. I liked seeing everyone, but it felt a little odd to have them over. Stephen and I both felt old and somewhat out of place. After they left I had reading to do, which put a damper on things and accentuated the 'out of place' feeling. Still, I love I.T.

Saturday, though, came the crowning moment of the weekend!!! Callie had her Pirate Party in Staunton. Mike S. and I went, fully decked as pirates, and had a fantastic time. I haven't seen Callie since Ren Faire, Katie since July, Dez since July, or Annie for an extended period since July, nor have I had rum in ages!!! Or dressed up!!! I love dressing up. Putting on costumes, the liberty to look and be whatever you want no matter how over the top. I had such a good time. Plus, Callie's bf can cook. He made us curry chicken and we had naan bread and rice before the party started. Lovely. All of us girls 'wenched-out' and we watched Muppet Treasure Island and enjoyed friends, laughs, drinks, happiness, being young. I love parties in Staunton.

Sunday, though, I paid. I felt a little hungover in the morning (just a touch) and spent most of the day lazing in Richmond with pizza and football before heading home. Then I had ALL of my reading for Hoffman's class. That took nearly all night before I stopped for a touch of sleep, only to continue reading all morning and early afternoon. I'm still catching up on sleep from that haul. BUT I finished the reading, which is the important part, and was prepared to discuss in class. I actually felt like class went well-- we'll see how this coming week goes-- I'm in charge of leading discussion and writing the 10-page paper. Eeesh. Luckily, before class I got a bit of a break in the form of dinner with Laura! I mentioned to her that the program felt isolating and she agreed. We decided to make Monday night dinners a weekly event to combat isolation, and to hang out some on weekends. We discovered that we both studied abroad in England at the exact same time and we both got to see 1 Henry VI at the RSC! I really like Laura. I hope we get to continue hanging out together. In Anne's words, she's a Kindred Spirit.

That night, of course, I had to continue reading for my Spain class, and I spent all of Tuesday and Wednesday morning reading and compiling an intellectual biography of a historian named Anthony Pagden. Except for when I was at the Reves Center-- where I've been working non-stop to coordinate World Savvy and to finish up processing the Photo Contest information. I swear, this photo contest has taken over my life.

Last night, I went to a concert at the Norva with Mike S. We saw a band called The Decemberists. The show was fantastic-- they were quite theatrical, their songs are lyrically witty, and they had an AMAZING guest female vocalist with them for a performance of their rock-opera The Hazards of Love. We had to stand the whole time like groundlings, which wasn't too bad until near the end when my lower back was really hurting from standing still for four hours. I didn't really notice it, though, when the band was playing, just during the set breaks.

Today has been more reading, plus class. I actually felt encouraged after my meeting with Professor Homza today, though, which was a first. I didn't feel stupid, or like I was so far behind everyone else I'd never catch up. She said that the adjustment from undergrad to grad was hard-- that it was for her, too. That encouraged me, because I really respect her and her work, so if she had trouble at first but is who she is now, maybe I can do it, too. Not that I feel like I can't do the program, just that not having a thesis topic is weighing me down and not having any positive reinforcement from any professional sector really doesn't help.

Anyways, it's essentially the weekend now, just three more hours at the Reves to put in this week, and I'm ready for a good long sleep, followed by finding a thesis topic, followed by eradicating the fruit-flies from the kitchen (which I need Stephen's cooperation to do). 'Twill be a busy weekend of reading, I fear, but hopefully it will have its rewards.

Under Pressure

I'm trying to come up with a thesis topic. I have a hazy start, but nothing solid and it's a problem. I have a prospectus draft due in three weeks with no real plan in sight. I'm thinking of doing something with Harlequin (the Commedia character) and his popularity in English and French theatres in the eighteenth century. Oh God. I feel so behind. Not to mention the massive amounts of reading to be done for Hoffman's class and for Homza's class. And the papers that are all due around the exact same time. *cries*

Can it just be May?

The Never-Ending Story

Yesterday morning I woke up at 7:20 and was reading by 7:30. I read until 8:30, stopped for toast and tea (about 20 minutes) then read until 11:30. I then went to Aroma's for lunch, but was at Swem by 1:00, where I printed off an article to read and picked up a book that might be useful for my thesis. By 2:00 I was back home and reading. And reading. And reading. I had a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner around 6:00, then read some more. I took a break to go over to Mike and Zan's apartment for an hour and a half, then got home and continued reading until midnight. I got up at 8:00 this morning and read until 10, then went to Swem to pick up a book and had grilled cheese for lunch. Now I need to read. Sensing a pattern to my life? I am.

I had an average weekend. Some good things happened, like I.T. got newbies and Megan is my 'little-little,' as far as I.T. goes (she got her shake from the person I gave a shake to). Some not so good things happened. Friday night was relaxing, though. I went to Richmond and Mike S. and I went to a hookah bar, which was nice, and the next day we spent the morning at Hollywood Cemetary. Saturday night I got dinner with Mike M., then read, then went to margarita mug night with some grad students.

I just wish everything in my life felt ordered and nice. I feel like I'm struggling at loose ends right now without a clear direction, but I'm certainly working diligently at whatever it is I'm trying to achieve. :-/

It is Good to Have Friends, Even in Hell

I wish I lived in perpetual weekends. On Saturday I spent hours reading articles and books for my American Revolution class, and I felt so productive and happy. Then Sunday, Mike came to visit and we went to Surry. He had never been across the river on the ferry, nor had he seen Bacon's Castle, which for a WM History graduate (twice over!) is simply unacceptable. It was sunny and beautiful outside, which made for a great drive and a great day. And a great ferry ride-- I love the ferry. It's so nice to cross the James on a pretty afternoon with the river shining in the sun and the wind blowing and the seagulls following the ferry.

But I don't live in perpetual weekends. I live during the week, too. Monday wasn't too bad-- I spent all morning reading, went to class, then spent the evening reading. Tuesday I had to work at the Reves from 8:00-12:00, then class, then reading, then class. I had my American Revolution class, which was rather nerve-wracking, as we eight students discussed the reading for a little over an hour with the professor just listening, and then got a bit of feedback about what we said that was insightful and what was plain wrong at the end. No idea how I am going to do in that class-- Stephen went with me to the Leafe for a drink after. I'm feeling a little tired of reading. I'm feeling a little tired in general. I sense that mostly I will be reading for the rest of the year, until they make me start writing, too. :)

Things could be worse though, and right now isn't too bad. Today I went to visit people in Foodways because I had a present for Jim (an apron that says "I would stop eating chocolate but I'm no quitter") and it was so nice to see everyone, plus Barbara told me her sister is in the theatre in London and if I ever go I should get in contact with her. Then I went to visit Sheri and got scheduled for a few hours at Bella in October, which makes me happy. I have plane tickets to Chicago to visit Emily, Dana, Charlotte, and Christina over Fall Break; I have a wonderful guy in Richmond; I have intellectually stimulating classes; I have professors willing to work on a thesis with me; I have a cute warm little cat; I have a fantastic roommate. I think that all of these things will be necessary to keep me at equilibrium this year. Life is piecing itself together.

And I Know You're Dying In This Open Space

I feel out of place again. I feel caught between two worlds. I'm a graduate student, but I'm at my undergrad institution. Some of my best friends are still in undergrad, and I want to hang out with them, especially since I don't know many graduate students, but I don't want to be a part of that world in the same way that I was. I feel out of place with them-- I'm a part of the College still, but I'm not in college. The friends I have in undergrad have their own dramas, their own schedules, their own set of activities that I am no longer a part of, nor should I be. We went to the first I.T Show tonight and it was the oddest feeling to sit and watch a show instead of performing in it; the show brought home the fact that I've graduated, but I'm ok with that. In fact, I'm pretty thrilled to no longer have to deal with undergraduate life. At the same time, I feel out of place with the graduate students. Most of them are married or have taken time off and are older, or they are far more conservative and studious than I am. Several of them seem to want only a professional relationship with the rest of us, like we're all working in an office or something instead of being students with ideas who should get together and discuss our work and our interests. I only see a few of them that I have a chance of being close with, and with all of the reading they have given us I don't even know if I'll get that chance.

I feel too old with my undergrad friends, too young with the graduate students.

Perhaps things will look up in a few weeks, after a few more classes with everyone, after people decide on their thesis and their advisers. Maybe then we can get to know each other, go to the movies, get more than a few drinks some Friday night... but until then I feel uncertain of where I belong. Even my closest friendships seem rocky at times, and one of my best friends has completely faded into oblivion as far as I can tell.

Furthermore, I feel thoroughly confused by my responsibilities to the program. I know I need to pick out a thesis and find a thesis director and committee members, but no one has said when that needs to happen, or what a thesis director should do for me, or what I should do for them. No one has given me much guidance on what should go into my thesis or what types of sources I should use. I passed the language exam, thankfully, so I at least have that requirement down, but I feel like I shouldn't feel as lost as I do and I don't know who to talk to, or even what questions I want to ask. I also feel like maybe I'm taking the wrong classes for the wrong reasons-- I thought I didn't need the historiography class, but now I feel like to meet people and make friends I should be there, and I thought I wanted to do something with Spain but that's all fallen apart so maybe I shouldn't be in a class about Spain. Everything I read I question why I need to read it and what it will do for my thesis, or even I need it to tie into my thesis. I'm worried that what I've always conceptualized as history isn't what they want me to do here; the articles I've read on transnational history and comparative history seem less like the history that I love and more like the cultural studies that I put up with in undergrad. Then I wonder if maybe I'm just a closed-minded person. I feel like I'm all alone spinning around and around getting dizzy and sick, but I don't know how to stop spinning.

My Addiction and Other Stories

I have a very expensive habit. I know I don't need it, I know I can be just as happy in my life without it, that I can get the same feeling from cheaper alternatives, but I can't help it. I'm hopelessly addicted to Odwalla drinks. I love their C and Strawberry C monsters, their Blueberry B monsters, their Mo' Betas. I could buy a gallon of orange juice at Wawa for the same cost as one precious bottle of Odwalla, but there's something about the Odwalla that I can't stop. Maybe it's getting 1000% of my Vitamin C in a single sitting, and in less liquid than regular juice, or maybe it's having a healthy energy rush from my Blueberry B on those days when I'm feeling sluggish. Maybe it's knowing that the Mo' Beta will cure my cold far faster than your average chicken noodle soup (though I love chicken noodle soup, don't get me wrong-- if I ever get sick bring me hot chicken noodle soup and I will love you forever, especially if it's homemade or Wawa). But I can't stop the Odwalla. I tried to today; I said, no I will get vitamin water with these chips that I am buying at the Marketplace, but the Odwalla cooler called to me...

Currently I'm at the Reves Center, where I work for my stipend. Right now it's a touch slow because I'm waiting for people to respond to the e-mails that I sent them. I'm in charge of setting up Global Jobs, World Savvy, writing articles for our website, and sending out the weekly newsletter to our listserv. I'm also supposed to coordinate with Phi Beta Delta, the international honor society, to help them run International Music and Dance Event in November, so I'm waiting to hear back about Kimball dates for that. I think this job is going to make me lots of connections and give me real life "skillz," at it were. Or maybe just skills. At least I will be able to safely say I've worked in an office job that actually required that I do something besides make copies (though I may have to do that, too).

As to the first impressions of graduate school, I think it will be difficult, yet I am already imagining that day when I type the last word of my thesis, save it to both the desktop and a USB disc and e-mail to myself (I refuse to lose my thesis), and then triumphantly shut my computer, take a long hot shower, then head to the Leafe for a pint. Or head to somewhere for a pint, if I don't get it done by the end of August. What I'm trying to say is, it's going to be hard, stressful, there will be tears and mini-breakdowns, but ultimately I think it will be fulfilling. I'm a little behind in reading because I couldn't keep my mind away from contemplating thesis topics yesterday afternoon, instead of doing my actual reading for my classes, but I can pretty easily catch up I think-- and the good news is, I did come up with a thesis topic.

My topic involves the Whigs and the American and French revolutions, definitely Charles James Fox, perhaps others, and I couldn't be happier. I was trying to go in a different direction earlier, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that I love the 18th century. I love the Tudors, too, but I don't want to do anything with Tudor politics (it's all be done), and the 18th century seems less tapped into in many ways. The Whigs are like my friends-- they make me laugh, they make me cry (literally) and when I read about them I am never bored. From their crazy gambling antics to their political protests they led interesting lives and I feel as if I am a part of it when I read primary sources or good secondary sources (Leslie, Amanda Foreman). I e-mailed one of my professors about the topic and am going to get coffee with him soon to discuss it's viability, but this is like the Kermit the Frog paper-- if anyone tries to discourage me I am ready to prove them wrong. I may need to shapeshift the topic a bit, narrow it or broaden it, but I will study my Whigs.

For tonight though, I'm going to Richmond to relax with Mike, gumbo, and a movie, before seriously considering Spain's Golden Fleece or the 'problems of transnational history'.