Closing January

January is ending with mild acute thesis panic (as, I imagine, the next few months will).  I keep writing and writing, but it never feels good enough.  I'm having a hard-hitting case of imposter syndrome.  I know it's my adviser's job to, well, advise, and offer suggestions, but it doesn't make it easier to hear that parts of what I've written need to go back to the drawing board-- even if I kind of felt that these parts did when I first wrote them.  Especially with so little time left to complete this rather large writing project.  I want to just force him to accept what I've written even if parts don't quite make sense or some historical fact is a little gratuitous because it makes the word count longer!  And I want that right now!  And it seems so easy when he says it: "Just write what you think."  But what if what I think isn't good enough?  What if... well, what if.  Anyone else feel this way?

On a brighter note, today I finished The Mysteries of Udolpho for class.  What an incredibly long book!  I feel so accomplished having actually completed it!  And, it has set my mind in motion for some future schemes (that no, don't involve black veils, kidnapping, murder, or a trip to the Pyrenees)! 

Dreary Weather

Weather-wise, these past few weeks have felt a lot like Seattle.  Clouds, fog, drizzling rain, and the occasional half-hearted afternoon sun-break.  I've taken my calcium gummies regularly, since they contain Vitamin D, and I've drunk a lot of tea, and I've tried to treat myself nicely in general, but the constant gloom is beginning to take a toll.  I keep telling myself to forge ahead, write as much as I can while it's cloudy, and then when it's sunny I can go outside and enjoy it!  Yet, paradoxically, after awhile the clouds make it hard to stay in and write.  Everything starts to feel like the Doldrums in The Phantom Tollbooth and my little car that went puff-puffing along so industriously begins, of its own accord, to slow as the world grows gray and sleepy.  During the three days of my first-year exams in Seattle we had a rare late-spring weekend of bright sunshine.  I maintain that my afternoon walks around Green Lake in the sunshine helped keep me sane during that weekend.  I worry that to keep up my thesis momentum, I'll need a few days of beautiful weather--and the forecast calls for none.

Progress

I have three pages written of this chapter.  It doesn't sound like much, but it feels amazing.  After spending twelve hours on Wednesday attempting to write and accomplishing nothing, these three pages are a breakthrough.  The first paragraph feels perfect.  The second paragraph feels solid.  I needed those.  More than that-- I have an outline.  An outline!  True, it's not what some people might call a 'detailed' outline full of quotes and topic sentences, but it's my roadmap, I drew it, and I plan to follow where it leads.  I may make a few side-trips, though, or take a scenic route here and there.  The best part?  I'm wearing my new thesis dress.  I wrote about my other thesis dress-- the one covered in stars that goes with my discussion of astronomy, but this one is my air-balloon covered dress.  I didn't think I would find one, but then I did!  It's perfect.  When I start to feel overwhelmed, or uninspired, all I have to do is look at the fabric of my dress to remember why what I'm doing is actually really cool.  I have a feeling I won't be wearing much else besides these two dresses for the next couple of months.  Thank  goodness for my new laundry machine...

Joy Jar Updates

If I had yet bought a joy jar or started writing my thoughts out on scraps of paper, yesterday's would likely have read, "I received a wonderful package from my friend, Sarah.  Inside I found so many kinds of hand-made marmalades and preserves and quince paste and fruitcake and a pair of lovely earrings that, since I've lost my small jewelry box filled with my sentimental pieces somewhere in the move, were all the more dear."  Today's might read, "I finally wrote the first paragraph of this chapter that I had wanted to write all along, after such a hard-fought struggle with the blank page-- or worse, the page cluttered with fragments that never quite said what I felt and wanted to say."  The past two days have been a long, soul-wearying struggle to write, to feel, to speak-- but with the help of a winter care package and a couple of timely tunes from my Sondheim Pandora station (Stritch's version of "The Ladies Who Lunch" followed by the 2002 Broadway Cast Recording of "No One is Alone"), I feel like I've finally pulled through.  There will likely be rough days ahead, but I finally feel like I can weather this storm.

Joy Jar

I saw a thing recently (I think from Elizabeth Gilbert's Facebook page?) that advocated starting something called a "Joy Jar."  At the end of each day, you write on a slip of paper the date and the best thing that happened to you that day.  I suppose multiple 'happenings' could be written per day, if you can't choose a best.  Then you put the slips into a jar, and on especially bad days you can pull them out and read them.  But even on bad days you have to write something good, even if it's not something you would usually highlight.  Sort of a 'light in the darkness' kind of thing.  I'm thinking of starting one.

Today's might say, "I kept dropping brie and pepper jelly, which sounds like a really bad thing, but it ended up being a really funny thing, and Kay and Zan laughed at me a lot" or "I'm wearing my new cotton dress with shooting stars on it to try to get into a thesis-y mood."

Walls

I saw an advertisement for some silly smartphone app in the metro today, but it really hit home.  It said, "Some walls are made of fear.  But some are made of wall material."

Some Food Resolutions

In 2015, I resolve to eat breakfast.  I don't have work early in the morning this semester, so in addition to my morning cup of tea, I plan to actually eat something for breakfast-- either a bowl of cereal, an apple with peanut butter, or toast and honey, etc.  Which means I need to go buy some cereal, apples, and peanut butter.  A bit more difficult resolution: incorporate my slow-cooker into my weekly routine.  What with how crazy Zan's and my schedules are a slow-cooker can mean the difference between a healthy, home-cooked meal or ordering a pizza at 11:00 PM.  Seriously.  Also, more baked potatoes.  I love them, but I rarely think of making them.  They are so easy and delicious and so many toppings to play with-- and as a bonus, inexpensive!  Just like apples and peanut butter.  Looks like a tasty 2015 for me!

Word of the Year: Hope

Each year, my friend Rick chooses a "Word of the Year."  In light of my last post, the word of the year seems particularly apt: Hope.  As Rick explains, it's not hope like, "I hope I win," but Hope of the variety that makes the impossible possible.  This is a year of Hope, and I Hope, a year where that Hope stays kindled in my heart each day, and slowly morphs from Hope to Action to Reality.