Yesterday I had a mild panic attack in Half-Price Books. I went to see if they had any introductory Latin books, as one of my friends had told me she loved learning Latin and I think if I continue down the Early Modern road it would be very useful to know Latin. So, yeah, I get there and they DO have the Latin books I was looking for! Both of them! At half price (go figure)!
But they also had an Italian textbook. And several programs to learn Polish (which I'm jonsing to learn right now, as my grandpa was Polish and I want to know more about my heritage on that side of the family). Then they had books to learn French-- which I should really brush up on-- and a Russian program. I had so much fun in Russian House as an undergrad, drinking tea and hanging out with my friends who actually took Russian, and I thought, "That could be fun to learn." Then I have my Sanskrit book sitting here at home, taunting me.
I decided to go upstairs to see what other books were available. The collected novels of Jane Austen, a bunch of stuff by Paolo Coelho, The Canterbury Tales, books and books on folklore from all over the world. An entire section of history books, including things by some of my favorite authors. Several books I've always wanted to read, but haven't. Then I remember all the books I have here at home-- novels, memoirs, library books-- that I have yet to read. Books I want to reread. Books, books, books. And looking at all of the collected knowledge in that bookshop I sat down in the very back corner (the history section) and took a few deep breaths to collect myself.
Then I took the Italian textbook and put it back, because there was really no way I was going to study Latin AND Italian. I'll be lucky if I actually crack open the Latin books, probably.
I guess the point is, I'm trying to remind myself that while book-learning is all well and good, I'm not wasting my time if I'm not reading a book. It's ok to go out to dinner with friends and have a few glasses of wine and not get home until 10:00, even if it means a whole evening spent not reading. It's ok to sit outside on my porch with a glass of lemonade and just enjoy the feel of the sun on my face-- we so rarely get sun that I SHOULD enjoy it. It's ok to go shopping all morning with one of my friends that I rarely see: human interaction-- and even a bit of idleness-- is a necessary part of life. Book-learning should not interfere with my friendships.
I'm not sure when I got so obsessed with needing to be reading/studying all the time. I think I've forgotten how to relax. Or, since I don't have to be reading all the time during the summer (as opposed to during the school year), I feel guilty "relaxing" because I feel like I haven't "earned" it-- I haven't written any papers, I haven't done any research, why should I feel entitled to a good meal and good company? This is a problem, I think. Especially since during the school year I rarely do any quality relaxing anyway. I just never give myself a moment to breathe. I'm even trying to do yoga with the determination of someone who wants to know it intellectually inside and out, instead of letting it be a calming routine to bring me closer to God and to myself.
I started thinking about that line in The Lion King song-- "From the day we arrive on the planet/ and blinking step into the sun/ there is more to see than can ever be seen/ more to do than can ever be done." I remember when I was little I thought that was an exaggeration (like, when I was seven) and thought I WOULD read everything ever written, and see all the sights, and eat all the food, and everything. I was incredibly naive. Yet, I think somewhere deep down I'm still trying to do that. And I need to let that go. Life is about more than reading it all, seeing it all, eating it all in a frenzy of "must get this done." That doesn't even sound fun.
I think this all came up because I'm turning 25 this year. I feel like I haven't done nearly enough for being on this planet for a quarter of a century, though I keep trying to remind myself that I've done my very best.
So, from now on, I'm going to try to enjoy things, to not panic that I don't know absolutely everything because how can I? I want to enjoy learning again, instead of looking at it as a to-do list of books that I must finish before I can "relax." Learning should be fun; in fact, it could be pleasurable and relaxing in and of itself. If you all want to remind me of this from time to time, I'd appreciate it, because I'm sure another panic attack will happen sooner if not later.
Lady, I want to tell you that you are insane, but these kinds of thoughts and feelings are part of what makes you so interesting and a pleasure to be around! You're remarkably accomplished, particularly for a 25 year old! I'm in awe of how much you live/experience/do.
ReplyDeleteAs for the guilt-time-off thing, I think that is a symptom of being a student. Any time "off" is time you *could have* been productive, so without boundaries (ie "I am going to work from X to Y, and then I am done) you're sort of in a transient and liminal state all day long. When we were at W&M I knew my work time was from 8am-2pm, or 8am-noon if I wanted to go to the gym, and then I worked for a few hours a week in the evening, and I scheduled weekend hours. That helped me treat my work like it was finite (when we really know its infinite!) and learn to enjoy my time off guilt-free. When you feel bad about your time off or are worrying, you're not really "off."
If you COULD do absolutely everything you wanted, wouldn't that be depressing?
ReplyDeleteI am striving for a book/life balance too because let's face it, all I really want to do is curl up under the covers with a lovely new smelling book. :) Love ya Abigail!
ReplyDeletexo
Cat
god this is so familiar. I realized this year that I don't think I know how to relax anymore, either. I think our program has a culture that values masochism - they love it when we kill ourselves working so hard. And I don't think that's particularly healthy. I took both the summers after my first two years off. Sure, Tom would send a list of plays he wanted us to know before his classes started and I'd take some time in September and read those, but otherwise - I took the summers off. I gardened, painted, sewed, embroidered, cooked, hiked, had fun. Quite the contrary to your instincts, I think you *have* earned this time (think about that first year exam, eh? And then try to tell me you haven't earned this!). It's your choice, of course, but I will say that both Michelle and I found that we were SO tired at the start of our third year - this program wears you down. Sure, you've got two fewer seminars to take (and that's going to help a lot - you won't have to do the 20-credit quarter every year like we did), but I think you're still going to find that the 2nd year wears you out more than the 1st and the 3rd more than the second. After your 3rd year, you'll have the diss and you really will be working every day - might as well enjoy the R&R while you can.
ReplyDeleteBut then, I think I'm just not as gung-ho as everyone else around here. So take anything this slacker says with a grain of salt! ;)