And I Know You're Dying In This Open Space

I feel out of place again. I feel caught between two worlds. I'm a graduate student, but I'm at my undergrad institution. Some of my best friends are still in undergrad, and I want to hang out with them, especially since I don't know many graduate students, but I don't want to be a part of that world in the same way that I was. I feel out of place with them-- I'm a part of the College still, but I'm not in college. The friends I have in undergrad have their own dramas, their own schedules, their own set of activities that I am no longer a part of, nor should I be. We went to the first I.T Show tonight and it was the oddest feeling to sit and watch a show instead of performing in it; the show brought home the fact that I've graduated, but I'm ok with that. In fact, I'm pretty thrilled to no longer have to deal with undergraduate life. At the same time, I feel out of place with the graduate students. Most of them are married or have taken time off and are older, or they are far more conservative and studious than I am. Several of them seem to want only a professional relationship with the rest of us, like we're all working in an office or something instead of being students with ideas who should get together and discuss our work and our interests. I only see a few of them that I have a chance of being close with, and with all of the reading they have given us I don't even know if I'll get that chance.

I feel too old with my undergrad friends, too young with the graduate students.

Perhaps things will look up in a few weeks, after a few more classes with everyone, after people decide on their thesis and their advisers. Maybe then we can get to know each other, go to the movies, get more than a few drinks some Friday night... but until then I feel uncertain of where I belong. Even my closest friendships seem rocky at times, and one of my best friends has completely faded into oblivion as far as I can tell.

Furthermore, I feel thoroughly confused by my responsibilities to the program. I know I need to pick out a thesis and find a thesis director and committee members, but no one has said when that needs to happen, or what a thesis director should do for me, or what I should do for them. No one has given me much guidance on what should go into my thesis or what types of sources I should use. I passed the language exam, thankfully, so I at least have that requirement down, but I feel like I shouldn't feel as lost as I do and I don't know who to talk to, or even what questions I want to ask. I also feel like maybe I'm taking the wrong classes for the wrong reasons-- I thought I didn't need the historiography class, but now I feel like to meet people and make friends I should be there, and I thought I wanted to do something with Spain but that's all fallen apart so maybe I shouldn't be in a class about Spain. Everything I read I question why I need to read it and what it will do for my thesis, or even I need it to tie into my thesis. I'm worried that what I've always conceptualized as history isn't what they want me to do here; the articles I've read on transnational history and comparative history seem less like the history that I love and more like the cultural studies that I put up with in undergrad. Then I wonder if maybe I'm just a closed-minded person. I feel like I'm all alone spinning around and around getting dizzy and sick, but I don't know how to stop spinning.