It's been a pretty red-letter week, but I can't help but feel like something is still the teensiest bit off. Maybe I've just been reading too much microfilm and it's messing with my head or something. Or maybe it's the cold, dreary, rainy-ness of this morning lending itself to an overwhelming nostalgia-- goodness, I just want spring. Or a couple of strange dreams I had last night. Oddly enough, this week of all weeks I've been feeling like an underachiever, despite the fact that I'm reading microfilm everyday (including most weekends) and working on my French with diligence. But right now I'm freer than I'll ever be for the rest of my life and what am I doing with the time? Am I utilizing it to it's full potential? Should I push myself or try to take it easy or a melange of both? Why am I not putting the final touches on the next great American novel or mixed-media avant-garde masterpiece? Why am I not touring the world? Having virtually nothing that I have to do makes me anxious; having nothing to do makes me feel like I have everything to do.
But the past week has been so fantastic in so many ways! First of all, I have gotten my thesis approved by all three committee members, and by this time next week I should have all of the paperwork finished, too! Nothing left but maybe an hour or two of quick revision (a few typos I didn't catch, a sentence or two of clarification here and there), the signings, and then it all goes to the various departments it needs to go to and I just sit back and wait for a diploma! I (basically) have my masters!!! I'm so incredibly excited and happy! I've poured my heart into this and now it's done, just a few papers to sign! But maybe that contributes to the 'off' feeling-- like when a play that you're in ends, a play you've poured your heart and soul into and you're happy to have your free time back, but there's that sadness, too.
The other great thing that happened is that I have a possible future now! I got accepted to one of the graduate programs I applied to!!! I'm not sure if I'll end up going there (depends on what else pans out and how I feel once I have all of my options, etc.), but now, for sure and certain, I will not be in Virginia come next autumn. I might not even be in America! And I'm so happy! I keep reading the words of the e-mail "I am delighted to inform you..." and smiling so big! But it's also hitting home that everything is changing. That next year I won't be in Williamsburg. I've been here for six years and now, in a few months, I'm leaving probably forever. At least for a long while. And I feel as if I should make the most of my limited time here, but I don't know how to hold onto it. Maybe holding on to it isn't the way to make the most of it anyway. I have an odd desire to capture moments, to put them in a jar on a shelf for when I want them, but it really doesn't work that way.
Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy! But it's a bit overshadowed by some unnamed feeling right now. Maybe the happiness will take hold more fully when the sun comes out again.
I have the same problem with letting myself relax enough to actually enjoy time off. But you've definitely earned yours! <3
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