you're gonna bring yourself down

So far, November sucks. Nothing major, just an awful day. A lot of factors combined to make this particular November 1st particularly sucky. First of all, I'm not a fan of November in general. Then, this morning's schedule got thrown off. Instead of my usual routine of tea, blogs, some reading and prepping section, I had to get to campus early for a PhD meeting, which meant I had to get up earlier than normal, and while it wasn't early, it was still dark outside which just makes everything gloomy right off. Also, I was a bit tireder than normal. Plus, of course, we've hit the middle of the quarter when everyone feels tired all the time, and I have more work to do than I can possibly get done. I feel like I'm already in finals mode, staying up all night to complete readings. Additionally, I keep feeling like I'm completely unsuited to being here. I know that's just in my head, but I feel like there are a million billion things that I don't know that everyone else does, and some seminal texts that I'm not familiar with because I come from SUCH a different academic background than everyone else. I feel like I'm so far behind everyone. I know that I just know different things from them, but it makes me feel like an idiot pretty much all of the time. Plus being younger than everyone doesn't help.

Then, I've been incredibly homesick for the past few days, more than I had been. I think it has something to do with it having been October-- the most beautiful month in Williamsburg, but not a very nice month in Seattle. I long for DoG Street, and I miss Zan and my cat, and going to Aroma's and having places that I love. I have no where here yet that I love. No Blair Hall with a million memories, no Wren Chapel to collect my thoughts, no little patch of wildflowers behind the House of Burgesses, no Cheese Shop. And, mostly, I just want all of my friends together again in more or less one place. I feel so lost without them. Just in general a very frail emotional state.

So one little thing that was said to me this morning due to a, to put it nicely, misunderstanding between me and one of my cohort just ruined the whole day. Normally I would have stood up for myself against her comment, or explained to her that she mistook my meaning, but instead I let her say her piece and walk away. Then I literally kept breaking into tears and once had to go to the bathroom to cry. How crazy is that? Ugh ugh ugh. I know I just have to push through this quarter, and then I'll start to feel more like I'm home, and Zan will be here, and Sphinx, but right now the next month and half looks simultaneously too short to complete everything I need to do and too long until I get to go home.