Remember when I thought it was the last first day of classes? Turns out, I have another 2 and a half years of class to go. I got my B.A, and immediately started my M.A. I got that in May, and it felt like I was finished, and now I'm starting a PhD. And tomorrow it all starts up again.
Part of me is excited; part of me is dreading it; a huge part of me is glad I'm doing theatre history; a small part of me wonders why I didn't apply to some kind of straight-up history PhD program. A pretty substantial part of me wonders if maybe I shouldn't have just gotten a nine-to-five job somewhere, instead of signing myself up for more academia. But, for better or worse, here I am! Hopefully I'll live up to everyone's expectations. I sort of have first day jitters, just because I feel so incredibly unused to the subject matter and the manner of study. But, it's just history right? With a more specific focus and some theory thrown in? I've done grad school. I should be fine. I'm also a little nervous about teaching, although not as badly as I thought I might be; it will be what it will be.
Anyone seen Into the Woods? It's a Sondheim musical, a compilation of many fairytales, and each story leads the characters, well, into the woods. The first act neatly ties up the loose ends, and the second act begins with everyone happy until a new situation compels them back into the woods. The lyrics pretty sum up how I feel. They go in part:
"Into the woods,
It's always when
You think at last you're through, and then
Into the woods you go again
To take another journey"
"Into the woods,
The path is straight,
No reason then, to hesitate.
Into the woods,
It's not so late,
It's just another journey."
And I should always remember there's no reason to be afraid, because "The woods are just trees, the trees are just wood." And sometimes there are good moments in the woods. People become braver and more confident and even sometimes their dreams come true. But whether good or bad, no matter what, the woods are a learning experience.
So, tomorrow it's into the woods to get the thing that makes it worth the journeying.
You'll be a Dr, awesome!! That's surely worth the pain of attending school, right?! And your course sounds super interesting. I always think about my own course , even when I find it boring, it's still interesting. Enjoy your first day, you'll be fine! I'm liking your zen approach to it all, I need to take that on board in my own life.
ReplyDeleteThat Sondheim musical, someone recommended it to me so if you also recommend it, then I will definitely try and track it down.
You're getting a PhD instead of a 9-5 job so you can be an expert in your field. I love my job--I love the compartmentalization of it, I love being able to turn off (you know, except for my teaching gig) and disengage--I like that my time belongs to me. And yet I resent that I cannot find time to continue with my research interests. Even a book a week is too much for me to accomplish, so I migrate my way through a booklist much more slowly. And I've discovered, in a way I didn't before, that I too want to be an expert in my subject matter--an authority.
ReplyDeleteAnd please, you survived Foucault! Ranke! and worse! You produced a lovely piece of original work! You've got this!
That being said--best of luck, and its OK to be nervous and jittery. Teaching will be surreal, but remember you know way more than they do. :-)
The first paragraph was meant to reassure you that you made the right choice, not go on and on about my own choice--I was trying to affirm your decision! Sometimes it seems like people just get a PhD because that's what comes next. But I don't think that person is you--I think you love what you do, and ought to have the credentials and backing behind your name so you can have a career doing what you love.
ReplyDeleteYou're going to be awesome, Dr. Absi! Also, I promise (sort of) to never start calling you Drabsi. I'm excited for you. Can't wait to hear about it.
ReplyDeleteProject Doctor Fine: begun. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteYour jitters are totally understandable. But I'm still so excited for you!